Teach Students How to Fight!

I think it is safe to assume that every relationship that has ever existed has had its share of conflict.  As for me, I know I have and it has taken many years and a few broken relationships, and a few restored relationships, to learn how to not only disagree agreeably, but also to more often communicate clearly, kindly, and empathetically.  I am not referring to compromising.  That would require sacrificing a belief system in order to not cause conflict.  But rather, what I am referring to is two people, neither sacrificing their belief system, but rather learning to see the other's perspective and finding a common ground they both believe in....or in the case of a team, that many believe in.  Again, I emphasize, this is not what they can live with, but rather what they can whole heartedly stand behind.

Imagine implementing these strategies when faced with conflict:
1)  We pause and take the time to collect our thoughts.  Perhaps we read from others that agree with our perspective and take the time to ask others as well.  Once our thoughts are gathered, we organize them to be ready to share them with each other.
2)  We share our thoughts without interuption.  We each are heard.  Our perspective matters and is important.  We are respected because our voice is listened to empathetically by the other and are respectful because we empathetically listen to the other.
3)  Once each person has argued their perspective without interuption, we then agree to discuss, still trying to convince the other to see our perspective.  We don't attack the person, we defend our ideas, our feelings, our experience.
4)  We then agree to sit in the other's seat, either literally or figuratively.  We repeat step 2, but for the other's arguement.  We give the best possible argument we can, without interuption, for the other person's perspective. In so doing, we demonstrate full understanding and empathetical listening to the other.
5)  We then analyze all perspectives to find common ground.  A new position is formed by all parties to create a new, integrated perspective that all parties can whole heartedy stand behind.

The above examples are techniques I have been taught in various counseling, relationship, and psychology situations over the years.....but seperately, not in this order nor combined.

Johnson and Johnson (2009) http://www.aera.net/uploadedFiles/Publications/Journals/Educational_Researcher/3801/37-51_02EDR09.pdf published their research on what they refer to as Constructive Controversies.  Their description of this process is applied to students in the classroom as they take a stance on controversial topics and are demonstrated to enhance learning.

Many will look at the topic of Constructive Controversies and debate their use in the classroom from the perspective of whether conflict can be used well to teach students.  I,however, am choosing to look at it as not only a possible way of providing classroom content learning, but am arguing that their is more important learning happening.  The importance of Constructive Controversies is teaching students how to fight fairly.  Teach students how to take time to gather their thoughts.  Teach students how to present their thoughts while listening empathetically to others.  Teach students how to discuss opposing thoughts.  Teach students how to demonstrate that they understood and listened empathetically.  Teach students how to find common ground they can stand for, rather than soften their beliefs and compromise. 

These are not only skills to learn content.  These are not only skills to prepare students for higher education.  These are skills to help students succeed in life with relationships.  With their spouse.  With their family.  With their children.  With their friends.  With their coworkers.  With random strangers they are blessed to meet.

Added-->In addition to my reflection above on the use of Constructive Controversy in the classroom, I have also been spending time thinking about how leaders in education can use CC to guide their staff and how they can use technology to enhance their use of CC.

As an educational leader, I agree with Dr. Deal and Dr. Faverty that all relationships, all schools are riddled with conflict.  A great leader is one who can become the CC facilitator and help guide factions into partnerships.  Not one who solves all problems and puts out fires constantly, but rather one who guides the parties through the CC process in order to find common ground.

Technology can be wisely used in this process.  However, I am very cautious here.  Through text, email, websites, blogs, etc... people often feel too comfortable saying things they wouldn't say in person.  This can bring out the real conflict that needs to be addressed, which is a good thing.  But, the proper protocols of defending and discussing ideas, and not attacking people, must be monitored and maintained. 

I also prefer virtual time, rather than real time discussions.  This allows one to take the time to read/listen empathetically and take the time to compose thoughts and ideas before they are spoken/typed.  This also allows time to contemplate and soak in the others perspective before discussion, and eventually before integration of perspectives.